UnDead Humor

[UNDEAD1]

i will be posting jokes and/or funny stories in this section... hope y'all enjoy

[UNDEAD1]

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they ar! e.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"

[Celeborn]

Don't ask me.... But #1 is also fine in Louisiana!
the joke is that i'm not kidding!

[UNDEAD1]

I'm Glad I'm a Man



I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings
I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such
and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust.

I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not all pregnant dogy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
I don't believe every ad with the word free

I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs.
I won't throw a tyrade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class.
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt,
Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt.
You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.

I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command.
The bible and God say all women must serve under man.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true--
I'm glad I'm a man and not a woman like you.

[UNDEAD1]

I'm Glad I'm A Woman



I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the d**ned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old male Warrior envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my male Warrior
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[UNDEAD1]

Men vs. Women


Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, sfemale Warriors, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES:

Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

[Supreme1]

LMAO. Some one has a lot of time on his hands. ;D

[UNDEAD1]

maybe. but i will be catching up to you guys in posts. i am responding to most of the monster section. i have new items and such. i am almost to a hundred already. lol.